Since becoming a grandmother, I have been receiving a few “Senior Citizen”-type jokes from some of my cyber-friends. First let me clarify…becoming a grandma does not necessarily mean I am suddenly “aged”. As I’ve said before, I intend to be a “cool Grandma” (still debating about getting that Harley motorcycle)…but in the meantime, I fully intend to be young at heart (if not necessarily in body) until God calls me Home. That said, some of the jokes passed my way have been laugh-out-loud hysterical so I thought I’d share them and offer my readers a chance to share a favorite joke or story about aging or being a grandparent.
An 80-year-old woman made news after marrying a 4th time. “Tell us about your husbands,” a newsman said. She smiled in thought. “In my 20s I wed a banker, in my 40s a circus ringmaster, in my 60s a preacher, and now that I’m 80 a funeral director.” Astonished, the newsman asked why she would marry men with such diverse careers.
“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he says with a deep sigh….
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
“I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said,
“Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock wood.”
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?….”I’m four and a half” ….You’re never 36 and a half….you’re four and a half going on five!
That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens….you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony….you BECOME 21…YES! But then you turn 30….ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk….He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now.
What’s wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40…stay over there, it’s all slipping away….
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 …… then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday….You get into your 80’s, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won’t even buy green bananas ….it’s an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. It doesn’t end there …. into the 90’s you start going backwards…I was JUST 92…
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again …. “I’m 100 and a half!”
“Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life.” (Proverbs 16:31)
“Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:32)