Time to Quit?

Posted on March 3, 2021 by Lynn

I have never felt more like quitting than today!

The weight of that thought droops my shoulders, and brings me close to tears.  I look at the blank screen on my computer and experience an overwhelming urge to delete every file, purge the hard drive of every piece of my writing, finished and unfinished, and declare my writing career done.  

For good.  

Forever.

I don’t get paid enough for this!  The more I think about that fact, the angrier I become.  Is it worth it financially for me to continue?  

Seriously!  

My heart’s just not in it anymore!  It isn’t.  I haven’t enjoyed the process in months.  It is tedium now, something I do out of obligation, a sense of duty.  I struggle whenever I try to put my thoughts onto paper.  I don’t feel any sense of accomplishment after I’ve rattled off a somewhat mediocre article, just a sense of relief that I have completed yet another writing deadline on time.  I can now relax until another bout of nagging guilt forces me to tackle yet another last minute assignment.

I debate closing down every social media account I have.  I want anonymity, obscurity, to vanish like a wisp and face the consequences of what I am convinced is welcome oblivion.  

Will people even notice my absence?  Do I honestly think that my presence online is that important to anyone else?

So, I ask myself, “Why am I doing this?”

I pause.  The question begs an answer, but I have no ready answers.

Why am I doing this?

The question hangs in the air like a maleficent odour.  It reeks in its putridity.  I have to figure out an answer or I will eventually succumb to this impending stench of death.  I am hearing in my head the gonging chimes marking the death knell of my writing.

Why am I doing this?

Is it for the money?

No.  I almost laugh out loud.  I suppose there are authors who are making good money with their writing.  Not me.  

But, it’s never been about the money for me…  Has it?

No.  There was a time I wrote for the sheer pleasure of it.  I wrote because I loved to write.  I was compelled to write.  The art, the act of writing beckoned to me from deep within.  When I was awake, I thought about writing, and when I drifted to sleep, I was still composing and editing the storylines in my head.  

When did it become about the money?  

I have to answer honestly with abject sadness, “When writing became more like a job, and less about the craft.“

So if I’m not writing for the money, is it for fame?

I will admit that I enjoy the compliments, the comments, the writing accolades, the awards I have received because of my writing.  Prideful?  Definitely.  It does motivate me to keep writing to stroke my ego.  However, I have also faced criticism.

I don’t like that.

I have faced critical evaluation of my writing, and even though it is hard to read and accept, I still continue to write despite it.  

I’m not stroking my ego then.  

It is persevering in the midst of struggle.  It is wanting to overcome, to grow, to improve.  I conclude that writing must be more than attaining money or garnering personal fame.  The revelation of that causes me to perk up a bit, but again I face that nagging question:

So, why am I doing this?

Philippians 1: 4-6 immediately comes to mind. “In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

The Apostle Paul is praising the Philippians for their work in spreading the gospel, and that work, with God’s help, will not be completed until the second coming of Jesus.  For me, it is a rallying cry to persevere, to continue in the work God has called me to until such time He tells me to stop.

I am once again reminded that it’s not about me, it’s all about Him.

My writing is His.

It is not up to me to quit when I am frustrated, discouraged, overwhelmed or just plain tired of it all.  It is embracing my ongoing ministry, my partnership in the gospel, and I must continue it to completion.  I ask forgiveness for my self-centeredness, and ask God to renew my passion for writing once again.  

Thankfully, He always answers that prayer!

(Originally published on InScribe Writer’s Online)

Posted in Proverbs 16:9 - Journey Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

World Cancer Day

Posted on February 4, 2021 by Lynn

World Cancer Day, is the annual observance held on February 4 that is intended to increase global awareness of cancer. World Cancer Day originated in 2000 at the first World Summit Against Cancer, which was held in Paris. At this meeting, leaders of government agencies and cancer organizations from around the world signed the Charter of Paris Against Cancer, a document containing 10 articles that outlined a cooperative global commitment to improving the quality of life of cancer patients and to the continued investment in and advancement of cancer research, prevention, and treatment. Article X of the charter formally declared February 4 as World Cancer Day “so that each year, the Charter of Paris will be in the hearts and minds of people around the world.”

For twenty-one years, global residents have “observed” World Cancer Day, creating the trending hashtag #worldcancerday so survivors, families and healthcare workers can share their stories on social media.

“Cancer awareness has become exceedingly important in the 21st century. While there have been numerous advancements in the understanding, diagnosis and treatment of cancer—factors that should contribute to the decline of the disease—the number of new cancer cases diagnosed each year has globally continued to increase. There were 8.1 million new cases diagnosed in 1990, 10 million in 2000, 12.4 million in 2008, and 14.1 million in 2012. The number of annual deaths worldwide from cancer has also increased—from 5.2 million people in 1990 to 8.2 million people in 2012 to an estimated 9.6 million in 2018. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), if the incidence of cancer continues to grow at the reported rate, the number of deaths worldwide from cancer will increase to more than 16.3 million by 2040. However, also according to WHO, as many as 40 percent of deaths from cancer are preventable. As a result, raising awareness of cancer prevention has become a prominent goal of many cancer and health organizations around the world, and World Cancer Day has come to represent an annual reaffirmation of the importance of this goal.”

(Rogers, Kara. “World Cancer Day”. Encyclopedia Britannica, 17 Sep. 2020, https://www.britannica.com/topic/World-Cancer-Day. Accessed 4 February 2021.)

I am a two-time cancer survivor. I take no delight in saying that. I battled and endured the life-altering treatments, but in truth, I wish I had never had to go through it all in the first place! My fervent prayer is that no one ever has to be diagnosed with cancer in the future, and that it can be eradicated from the face of the earth forever!

We are so concerned with Covid-19 right now, but the tragic reality is that while we roll out a vaccination program to combat Covid, there is no such vaccine available for cancer. Research is ongoing, but even with all the technology at our fingertips, the causes and cure for cancer continues to allude us. Our world health and political leaders have for the last year showed a single-mindedness to combat Covid, and rightly so, given the voraciousness of the virus. This world-wide effort has resulted in a vaccine that has been approved in record time and administered in what will likely be in the millions of doses in a relatively short amount of time. That is impressive! However, the research and finding a cure for cancer seems to plod along in an almost snail-like pace in comparison. The fact remains that even though we mourn the tragic loss of life due to Covid, there will never be the same number of Covid deaths as the ones cancer claims globally each year.

I am doing my part to bring awareness to cancer prevention, research etc., by sharing my survival story through my writing and my journey walk with God. My faith has not been shaken. My personal story with cancer gives credit to all those people God placed in my life so I would not battle cancer alone. Healthcare workers, family, friends and prayer warriors stood with me. I am thriving because of them. God was and is my constant Companion and Source of strength; my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

I pray that a cure for cancer in all its forms will be found so that my children, my grandchildren, and my great grandchildren will never have to face a cancer diagnosis in their lifetimes!

Posted in Proverbs 16:9 - Journey Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

January Blues

Posted on January 26, 2021 by Lynn

I entered another appointment on my calendar, and turned to my husband. “So far all our outings in January consist of medical appointments. Not a great way to start the New Year!” He laughed as I further lamented, “Is this a sign of old age setting in?”

My husband battled kidney stones over the Christmas break. Between his medications and mine, I am seeing an unwelcome trend emerging in this new season of life. We are in denial of course, but the fact remains, while our brains continue to think ourselves young, our bodies prove otherwise.

I’ve noticed that we spend a lot of time thinking and/or talking about our health. Whenever we talk to friends our age, we cannot sidestep conversations about a variety of aches and pains. Especially over the past year, we are hypersensitive to anything amiss that may be a Covid-related symptom. To tell the truth, I’m sick of it – literally!

Am I the only one?

Hands up everyone who is fed up with ANYTHING having to do with this pandemic? I am so done with news reports, Covid numbers, mask-wearing, vaccine shortages, lock-downs, restrictions, hand-washing and online everything! I’m sure the majority of my friends and family feel the same way as I do. I feel like I want to escape all of this, but there is nowhere to escape to.

And that’s the crux.

I am immersed in an uncontrollable situation, and no matter how much I want to change the circumstances, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

This morning I awakened feeling like it didn’t really matter if I stayed in bed for the day. I have no schedule, no pressing engagements, no projects that need attention. My house is dust free for the most part. I don’t feel a pressing urge to reclean or reorganize just for something to do. As I snuggled under the covers, and contemplated another quiet and uneventful day, much the same as the day before, I said out loud, “It is what it is.”

It is what it is.

I’ve been saying that a lot, but truly it sums up life right now. It is what it is. I cannot change a single thing about the Covid pandemic around me. I can’t change the fact I’ve battled cancer twice and I still have lingering side effects as a result of my latest battle. I can’t change the fact I’m aging. No matter how many cosmetics I put on my face, wrinkles refuse to be erased. Certainly, there are many things I can take control of, but for the most part, it is what it is and I have to accept it, like it or not.

Or do I?

I reluctantly pushed the covers aside and made my way to my prayer corner. This year, I am reading through Oswald Chambers, “My Utmost For His Highest” devotional again, and these words sprang out from the page at me:

“Consider the lilies of the field…” (Matthew 6:28). They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore, we don’t take root anywhere.” Oswald Chambers

“Consider the lilies of the field…”

In this long season, I have been completely uprooted. I have been relegated to the sidelines, so to speak, because of my compromised immunity, so everyday tasks are carried out by my husband who does almost all the shopping for us. I do not go into stores like I once did. Grocery shopping was a weekly outing, a task I actually complained about doing before, but now I miss. I used to thoroughly enjoy a day out just window shopping, but again, it is what it is.

Safety protocols and health restrictions have prevented me from attending in-person worship services. I enjoy the online services, but I miss my church family around me, gathered in corporate worship. I miss being involved. There are still opportunities for ministry, but I am reluctant to plug in again.

I miss seeing my children and grandchildren. We delivered some pancakes a couple of weeks ago to the kids, a quick drop off, but my heart broke when Paxton, four years old asked, “Grandma, is it safe to hug?” I can’t help feel like Covid has robbed us of a full year (so far) of building and nurturing relationships with one another. We hide behind masks of our own making…literally!!

“Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things. Did Jesus Christ lie to us? Are we experiencing the “much more” He promised? If we are not, it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us and have cluttered our minds with confusing thoughts and worries. How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do. It is not a one-time experience but an ongoing process. Am I continually separating myself and looking to God every day of my life?” Oswald Chambers

It is a daunting challenge. How much time have I wasted asking God all those useless questions about why we are faced with Covid, restrictions, health challenges, etc. etc., rather than look for opportunities to serve Him in the midst of all this? God is in control, why do I doubt it? I have separated myself. Circumstances have uprooted me, but I have also willfully allowed myself to be uprooted.

I confess that I have not been experiencing the “much more” God has promised me lately. I don’t want to say “it is what it is”, and use that as an excuse to stay dormant. I am praying for God’s direction, and even today, He has answered by planting me here, writing. It is a simple act, but one I have neglected these many weeks.

It’s a small step, but a necessary one. I long to take root again!

Posted in Proverbs 16:9 - Journey Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment