My oldest daughter, Laurelle was in preschool when I was told I was expecting again. My husband and I had been trying for years to conceive after the birth of our daughter and finally we were referred to the infertility clinic who diagnosed us with secondary infertility meaning they didn’t understand why we weren’t getting pregnant and basically said we’d likely not ever have more children naturally. Well, when we discovered I was expecting, we rejoiced. Little Laurelle was told she was going to be a big sister and she went to her preschool and drew a picture of her family…stick figures mostly, the three of us holding hands and a tiny little baby stick figure growing inside “mommy”.
A week later I miscarried.
I phoned my husband at work and frantically told him I was bleeding and we raced to the doctor who sent me for an emergency ultra sound. The tech didn’t need to tell me, I knew by her expression that at seven and a half weeks into the pregnancy my little one was gone. We were attending a church in Calgary at the time and while Charles picked up Laurelle from our friends who had sat with her while we went to the doctor, I wept and cried at the foot of the Cross. I asked all the questions of God that any Mom asks when she loses a child. Why? Why? Why?
Fast forward…My husband and I discovered I was expecting again. This time, Laurelle was nearly eight and we had all but given up thinking we would ever have another child. I journaled excitedly that Laurelle would be a big sister and we would welcome a new baby into our home on November 25th, 1992 (my babies’ due date). Two days later I miscarried. For the next few weeks my journal was filled with writing about my journey with heartbreak, grief and overwhelming loss.
After the loss, my husband and I started to talk about adoption. It was something we had talked about before but this time we actively pursued the idea. We contacted a Christian adoption agency and registered with them, and after several months of classes, home studies and the like we were approved to be put on the list for expectant mothers to see and review our profile as a prospective adoptive family.
We had moved to the country by then and we were attending a church in Cochrane. For months I had been involved in a Bible Study for women at the church and of course the ladies all knew of my desire to have more children. In the middle of a blizzard in November I got a phone call from Colleen, my Bible Study leader. “A baby boy has been born in Calgary, the family is looking for an adoptive family, are you interested?”
Words cannot adequately express our excitement or how we reacted at that moment. Within hours we had been in contact with the birth family, our adoption agency, (who would be representing us throughout the adoption process) and the very next day I held my new son in my arms for the first time…and it was love at first sight!
When we brought our son Brett home, I walked around the house with him in my arms and “introduced” him to his new surroundings. Practically overnight we had to scramble to borrow baby furniture, and buy baby essentials and as I showed Brett his “new” stuff I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and emotion! Laurelle tagged along on the house tour and finally said, “Mom! Will you please let me hold my baby brother?!” (Did I say it was love at first sight when she held her baby brother for the first time?…well it was!)
Months later I happened to be looking back in my journal. Brett was sitting in his little “bouncy chair” as we called it, giggling and laughing at his big sister while she made faces at him. I turned in my journal and suddenly my heart skipped a beat. I had turned in my journal to the pages written after I had miscarried for the second time. Grief and loss expressed poignantly in pen and ink on the pages. Then I turned back to before the miscarriage, when I had written about my excitement at being a Mom again and that we would “welcome a new baby into our home on November 25, 1992.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at Brett.
We brought him home on November 25th, 1992.
Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”