Only in Canada, eh?

Posted on March 7, 2014 by Lynn

Thought we just needed to laugh at ourselves today!  Enjoy!

Only in Canada…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Canada…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in Canada…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Canada…do people order double cheese burgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in Canada…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Canada…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in Canada…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Canada…do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.

Only in Canada…do we define ‘politics’ this way: “poli” in latin meaning ‘many’ and “tics” meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in Canada…do they have drive-up ATM machines with braille lettering.

Only in Canada…do the local papers cover national and international headlines on two pages, but require six pages for hockey.

Only in Canada…can you play road hockey on skates.

Only in Canada…Halloween costumes are designed to fit over snowsuits.

Only in Canada…do the mosquitoes have landing lights….oh, and the most effective mosquitoe repellent is a shotgun.

Only in Canada…does your snowblower have more kilometres on it than your car.

Only in Canada…do you clean the grease off your barbeque so you won’t attract bears onto your porch.

Only in Canada…does your municipality pay for a Zamboni before a commuter bus.

Only in Canada…is every Canadian required to learn both the French and English versions of ‘O Canada’

Only in Canada…do we spend billions of dollars advertising everything in two ‘official’ languages (French and English) when less than 30% of Canadians actually speak french….and they all live in Quebec.

Only in Canada…do we understand the phrase, “Would you mind passing me a serviette as I just dropped my poutine on your chesterfield?”

Only in Canada…do we know what a “toque” is.

Only in Canada…do we know that the last letter of the alphabet is pronounced, “Zed” not “Zee”…and it does not faze us when we sing the Alphabet Song.

Only in Canada…do we have four seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road/work construction.

Only in Canada…has nearly every kid had their tongue frozen to something.

Only in Canada…do we add “u’s” to the following words so they’re spelled right: labor, honor, color, neighbor

And last but not least…

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Twelve.  Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that this joke was not translated into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of the First Nations peoples have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Only in Canada, eh?

Posted in Canadiana, Friday Funnies, Hope through Humour | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

The “Cool” Factor

Posted on March 6, 2014 by Lynn

my-grandkids-think-im-coolIn February we always celebrate our first grandbaby’s birthday!  We celebrate the engagement of my son and daughter-in-love. The month of hearts and love is always a time of celebration at our place. I love this season of life and as is obvious whenever I’m around my grandbabies, …I fully intend to cling tight to each one of them and rock, coo, cuddle, play, make silly faces, and love, love, love them for hours and hours…or at least for the youngest, until their diapers need changing…hahaha.

I take it as my God-given perogative…no, responsibility to totally spoil any grandbabies that come into the family!  I’ve told everyone I’m going to be the “cool” grandma.  It is not meant as a slight on Matt’s mom or on my daughter-in-law’s mom.  I have to be the “cool” grandma because Chandler’s Mom is the “hostess with the mostess” and Grandma Rollings has the undisputed title of best baker, cook and domestic goddess.  I bow to their expertise.

Me?  I don’t have many domestic skills…none actually.  The thing I do best for dinner is make reservations!  No, I’ve decided I’ll have to take up riding a Harley or something, maybe get a tattoo,… something to edge in the “cool factor”.  (I can just hear my kids rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.  “Mom ride a Harley?…get a tattoo?…yeah, right??!!” ) Okay, enough sarcasm, I guess I won’t be that cool!

On Feb. 20, 2011 as we waited expectantly for our new grandbaby to arrive on the scene, I also celebrated the 10th anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  Now I ask you…how “cool” is that??

If someone had told me on that day that ten years later I would be looking forward to holding my first grandbaby in my arms, I wouldn’t have believed them.  If someone had said on that day in the next ten years you would be hired as Children’s Minister at your church, you would go to seminary to get your Masters, you would see your daughter married and graduate from university, and you would publish not one but three books; I would have laughed bitterly and then shook my head because on that day I did not think I had a future or a hope.  All I thought of on that day was that I had cancer and it was a death sentence.

I came across this video and invite you to watch it as it describes exactly the emotions I felt on that day!

On the day I discovered I had breast cancer I felt knocked out.  It was all I could do to pick myself off the canvas and fight back. On my own strength I suppose I would have been “down for the count” but I did not rely on my strength.  My strength comes from the Lord and on that day as I wept before the Lord, He gave me this scripture:

 10 I said, “In the prime of my life
must I go through the gates of death
and be robbed of the rest of my years?”

11 I said, “I will not again see the LORD,
the LORD, in the land of the living;
no longer will I look on mankind,
or be with those who now dwell in this world.

12 Like a shepherd’s tent my house
has been pulled down and taken from me.
Like a weaver I have rolled up my life,
and he has cut me off from the loom;
day and night you made an end of me.

13 I waited patiently till dawn,
but like a lion he broke all my bones;
day and night you made an end of me.

14 I cried like a swift or thrush,
I moaned like a mourning dove.
My eyes grew weak as I looked to the heavens.
I am troubled; O Lord, come to my aid!”

15 But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.

16 Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.

17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.

18 For the grave cannot praise you,
death cannot sing your praise;
those who go down to the pit
cannot hope for your faithfulness.

19 The living, the living—they praise you,
as I am doing today;
fathers tell their children
about your faithfulness.

20 The LORD will save me,
and we will sing with stringed instruments
all the days of our lives
in the temple of the LORD.

Isaiah 38:10-20

So for our family February seems to be a stellar month.  It is my “milestone” month and a time to rejoice that I’ve been able to praise God another year.  The fact that it is “The living, the living – they praise You, as I am doing today; [grandmother]  tell your [grandbabies] about Your faithfulness…” (vs. 19)

Now that is what I call pretty cool !  Oh, and in case anyone was wondering…I’m celebrating being cancer-free since 2001!

God is good!

Posted in Family Life, Inspiration & Devotion, Proverbs 16:9 - Journey Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Daddy’s Rules of Dating

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Lynn

If my husband has a “soft spot”, it is that corner of his heart that is 110% devoted to his two daughters.  From the first moment newborn Laurelle, grabbed hold of his little finger in the intensive care nursery and their eyes met, he was in love, and she’s had him wrapped around her little finger ever since!  The same holds true for our youngest daughter, Carmen.  (Our son, Brett, has always claimed another significant “corner” of our hearts, but today it’s all about the girls.)

From the time Laurelle was a little girl, we prayed for her future husband.  We knew (and know for both Carmen and Brett), that God has a plan and a purpose for their lives and that includes a perfect spouse for each of them.  We praise God that He brought Matt into Laurelle’s life.  He was the answer to our prayers for her and he has been such a blessing to our family!

That said, as much as we prayed, Charles was not above using his own intimidating selective process to weed out some of the less than desirable boyfriend candidates himself.  Charles has always been that “immovable force” that boys have had to impress and move in order to continue to date his daughters.  When Laurelle was a teenager, Charles threatened to mount a mannequin’s head on the wall with a plaque reading: “Laurelle’s 1st Boyfriend”.  I remember Charles greeting one of Laurelle’s boyfriend “candidates” at the door wearing his combat fatigues, and camouflage makeup.  Another time, Charles drove Laurelle to a youth event and a misguided young man made the mistake of yelling a less than complimentary remark at Laurelle from across the parking lot while in ear shot of her protective father.  Leaping from the car, Charles grabbed the boy by the collar and then slowly lifted the young man over his head with one arm and calmly demanded that he apologize to her.

Charles admits he wasn’t quite as successful at intimidating Matt, but it could have something to do with the fact that our son-in-law is 6’7″ and wiry.  Still, Charles tried to work the poor boy to death while Laurelle and Matt were dating…figured if he couldn’t chase him away, he would at least see if the boy had any staying power and stamina!  Congratulations, Matt, you survived!

Someone sent this to me years ago and every time I read it, I think of all those protective Dads out there, my husband especially.  In fact, I’ll dedicate Rule 10 to Charles.  He’s got his camouflage makeup ready for Carmen’s boyfriend…

Daddy’s Rules of Dating

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and your friends are all complete idiots.  Still I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.

Rule Four

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to you even thinking about having sex with my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, cars, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”.

Rule Six

I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops with spaghetti straps, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to you as being this pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but you could not be more wrong especially on issues relating to my daughter.  I am in fact, all-knowing, all-seeing and possibly your worst nightmare.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and four acres behind them.

Rule Ten

Be afraid, be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper flying over a rice paddy near Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange kicks in, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Posted in Family Life, Hope through Humour, Proverbs 16:9 - Journey Thoughts, Top Ten Lists | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment