Daddy’s Rules of Dating

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Lynn

If my husband has a “soft spot”, it is that corner of his heart that is 110% devoted to his two daughters.  From the first moment newborn Laurelle, grabbed hold of his little finger in the intensive care nursery and their eyes met, he was in love, and she’s had him wrapped around her little finger ever since!  The same holds true for our youngest daughter, Carmen.  (Our son, Brett, has always claimed another significant “corner” of our hearts, but today it’s all about the girls.)

From the time Laurelle was a little girl, we prayed for her future husband.  We knew (and know for both Carmen and Brett), that God has a plan and a purpose for their lives and that includes a perfect spouse for each of them.  We praise God that He brought Matt into Laurelle’s life.  He was the answer to our prayers for her and he has been such a blessing to our family!

That said, as much as we prayed, Charles was not above using his own intimidating selective process to weed out some of the less than desirable boyfriend candidates himself.  Charles has always been that “immovable force” that boys have had to impress and move in order to continue to date his daughters.  When Laurelle was a teenager, Charles threatened to mount a mannequin’s head on the wall with a plaque reading: “Laurelle’s 1st Boyfriend”.  I remember Charles greeting one of Laurelle’s boyfriend “candidates” at the door wearing his combat fatigues, and camouflage makeup.  Another time, Charles drove Laurelle to a youth event and a misguided young man made the mistake of yelling a less than complimentary remark at Laurelle from across the parking lot while in ear shot of her protective father.  Leaping from the car, Charles grabbed the boy by the collar and then slowly lifted the young man over his head with one arm and calmly demanded that he apologize to her.

Charles admits he wasn’t quite as successful at intimidating Matt, but it could have something to do with the fact that our son-in-law is 6’7″ and wiry.  Still, Charles tried to work the poor boy to death while Laurelle and Matt were dating…figured if he couldn’t chase him away, he would at least see if the boy had any staying power and stamina!  Congratulations, Matt, you survived!

Someone sent this to me years ago and every time I read it, I think of all those protective Dads out there, my husband especially.  In fact, I’ll dedicate Rule 10 to Charles.  He’s got his camouflage makeup ready for Carmen’s boyfriend…

Daddy’s Rules of Dating

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and your friends are all complete idiots.  Still I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.

Rule Four

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to you even thinking about having sex with my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, cars, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”.

Rule Six

I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops with spaghetti straps, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to you as being this pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but you could not be more wrong especially on issues relating to my daughter.  I am in fact, all-knowing, all-seeing and possibly your worst nightmare.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and four acres behind them.

Rule Ten

Be afraid, be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper flying over a rice paddy near Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange kicks in, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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Will March Come In Like a Lion or a Lamb?

Posted on February 28, 2014 by Lynn

Here in Alberta, we’re carefully watching for the first signs of Spring.  Gophers peeking out of their holes, with hawks and eagles circling overhead just in case those gophers decide to stray too far out from the safety of their burrows 😉  We’re also measuring how far the snow drifts are melting with every passing Chinook, but we also know that winter is not over…it’s just in a lull.

March has two major weather patterns here in Alberta: snow and wind, or wind and snow.  You say that’s not much difference…au contraire!  Snow and wind means that March has likely come in like a lion.  Roaring in with blizzard conditions that has us slip-sliding our way into the middle of the month and begging for warmth!  Wind and snow means that we’ve got “lamb-like” conditions, a little blustery perhaps but likely the warm west winds will melt rather than add onto the snow accumulation.  The thing is, it’s not the beginning of the month I look towards most years, it’s the last week of March that often has me curled up in a fetal position wondering why I still live in this frozen wasteland.  It’s just hinting of Spring but those depressing April Showers bring in freezing white hail storms that stomp and wreck havoc all over any unlucky sprouts in my garden that are just peeking up through the dirt.

So will March come in like a lion or a lamb?  That’s not the question.  It’s whether or not March will romp merrily out of the way to give us a sweet reprieve before April careens in with the last vestiges of the white stuff?

Oh, until May…

Chuck Norris was here

Posted in Canadiana, Family Life, Friday Funnies, Proverbs 16:9 - Journey Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Persistence Pays Off !

Posted on February 25, 2014 by Lynn

prayer_poster_350Think about a request you would like to make of God, but before you do, decide how this request will benefit God.  Will this request build up the Kingdom, will it have eternal consequences?  Those are questions I have been pondering upon for some time now, and has challenged me to think about what I ask of God.

Am I engaged in persistent, persevering and powerful prayer?  Praying so that I continually come before the Lord in earnest, humble prayer, and then expecting that God will hear and answer according to His perfect will.

Am I bold in prayer?  Do I keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking (Luke 11: 9), never give up (Luke 18: 4-5), keep pleading (Genesis 18: 16-33)?  The thing about praying is that we live in a world that is all about immediate gratification.  We can microwave something to eat in two minutes, we can email, text, and surf the web in a millisecond.  If it doesn’t happen immediately, we become frustrated and if it doesn’t happen according to our fast-paced timetable we give up and move on to something else that will gratify us quicker.  Prayer is not like that.

Remember that request I asked you to think about?  If you are requesting something of God and you are expecting Him to answer immediately, chances are you’re going to be disappointed.  Certainly God has answered prayers instantaneously, sometimes even before they were asked, but more often than not, God takes His time; He works on a different timetable than ours.  His timing is perfect so it may take years and years and years for Him to answer your prayer.  If that is the case, and you’ve been waiting a long time, have you given up?  Have you stopped praying?

I am guilty of giving up when God has taken too much time to answer my prayer.  Another thing I’m guilty of is not praying big enough.  I limit God by the way I pray.  It shows my unbelief that He can’t or won’t answer my prayers.  If you don’t pray big, you can’t expect God to answer big!

It is important, too that when we pray that our joy and thankfulness to God not fluctuate with our circumstances, our needs or our feelings.  We are to rejoice, give thanks and continue to persevere in prayer.  Although we may not always understand it, perseverance may bring about unexpected blessings.

“”Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  Romans 5:3-4

God hears us when we pray: “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us – whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of Him.”  (1 John 5:14-15)  It is important to note that we must ask in line with His will.   People often pray for things that they want instead of what God desires for us.  He wants only what is best for us so check that you are praying according to His will not your will.

It gives me great encouragement when I look to John Wesley as an example.

John Wesley, the great Methodist preacher, encountered many times of refusal, and denial, during his early years in the ministry.  He logged a few of these instances in his diary:

Sunday, A.M., May 5    Preached in St. Anne’s. Was asked not to come back anymore.
Sunday, P.M., May 5     Preached in St. John’s. Deacons said “Get out and stay out.”
Sunday, A.M., May 12    Preached in St. Jude’s. Can’t go back there, either.
Sunday, A.M., May 19    Preached in St. Somebody Else’s. Deacons called special meeting and said I couldn’t return.
Sunday, P.M., May 19    Preached on street. Kicked off street.
Sunday, A.M., May 26    Preached in meadow. Chased out of meadow as bull was turned loose during service.
Sunday, A.M., June 2    Preached out at the edge of town. Kicked off the highway.
Sunday, P.M., June 2    Afternoon, preached in a pasture. Ten thousand people came out to hear me.

Persistence pays off !

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