Who Reads What and Why? – Fake News

Posted on January 20, 2017 by Lynn

Today is the Inauguration of Donald Trump as President of the U.S. of A.  Media will cover this historic event from every angle (we hope) and will let all bias slide (we hope), but just in case, here’s what you need to know so you can keep informed today and going forward.

This is meant to be a Friday Funny 🙂

1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3.The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8.The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11.The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12.The Key West Citizen is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

(I decided to add a few of my own…so that Canadians don’t feel left out.)

13. The Vancouver Sun is read by people who like to keep up with all the tree-hugging protests in Canada and think they run the country.

14. The Calgary Herald is read by people who like to keep up with all the tree-hugging protests in British Columbia that may interfere with the oil sands project and who know they run the country.

15.  The Winnipeg Free Press is read by people who like to keep up with the weather.

16.  The Toronto Globe and Mail is read by people who use the newspaper as a blanket when they can’t get into a homeless shelter at night.

17.  The Ottawa Citizen is read by Ottawa Senator fans only who look up hockey scores only.

18.  The Montreal Gazette is read by Quebecers scouring the “Help Wanted” ads for jobs in Alberta.

19.  People from New Brunswick, P.E.I. and Nova Scotia read any of the newspapers previously listed that were accidently left behind by tourists.

20.  People from Newfoundland get newspaper delivery a half an hour later than any one else in Canada so they could care less what is written because it’s always “old news” when it gets to them anyway.

(I will now be shunned by the entire newspaper industry…I could do worse :))

Posted in Canadiana, Friday Funnies, Hope through Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bugged!

Posted on January 17, 2017 by Lynn

Several years ago, my daughter, Laurelle was discovering the joys and challenges of living in a much warmer climate than she had ever been used to here in sunny Alberta, Canada.  She and her husband moved to go to seminary in Kentucky, and she was faced with stifling heat of 42 degrees celcius – in comparison to a warm day in Alberta of 32 degrees celcius.  Alberta can get above 40 degrees but it’s certainly not the norm for this northern climate.  Along with the temperature and humidity, Laurelle was also dealing with a variety of creepy crawlies and I’m not talking about my grandbaby, Jaxon 🙂 .

Laurelle has never been a fan of bugs in general.  Alberta knows how to grow moths and mosquitoes!  We get the occasional spider crawl up our walls here.  Beetles and ants and grasshoppers abound, but the cold climate manages to decimate them pretty quickly once the first frost hits in late September.  Still, I’ve known my girl to run screaming from a room if she discovered a moth flitting about.  I think she exaggerates when she says they are as “big as bats”!

In Kentucky, I assume the climate brings out the bug beasts in a variety of shapes and sizes that Laurelle had never encountered before.  I was on Facetime with her one day and had to laugh when in mid sentence she was suddenly screaming and running around the house having just seen a “spider-cricket” the size of a “horse” on a basement wall.  Her gallant husband captured the bug in a plastic cup and then with an evil glint in his eye, crossed the street to his neighbours’ (the Whitford family who traveled from Cochrane to Kentucky to attend seminary there as well); then smirking with delight, my son-in-law unceremoniously placed the cup in their mailbox!  It was the start of a host of practical jokes played out on each other that year!

When my daughter discovered another Kentucky bug in her basement she threatened to forsake ever going into the basement again to avoid dealing with those bugs there in her new home.  Since the laundry machines were also in the basement, I think it was just another excuse to avoid doing the wash! 🙂

It got me thinking though about all the things that “bug” me (and I don’t mean the creepy crawlies either).  Things that “bug” me enough so I don’t want to “stay the course” or I run screaming from the room so I don’t have to face it anymore.  I have a long list of things that stress me out, that bug me so much I don’t function well while I’m having to deal with those “bugs”.  Here are just a few:

1.  People – yes, sometimes people bug me.  What’s that saying? – “Hurt people hurt people!”  It is hard to deal with unpleasant, hurt people.  Anyone who has ever been in ministry is shouting giving me a “thumbs up” sign!  But scripture is clear:  “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you.”  Luke 6:27-31

2.  Circumstances – whether you are healthy or not, financially stable or not, happy or not…sometimes circumstances will “bug” you to a point where you feel overwhelmed and depressed.  Just ask any young Mom of a toddler, or parents of a rebellious teen, or a man who has lost his job, or a woman struggling with breast cancer.  If you allow your circumstances to rob you of joy, you are allowing the enemy to gain a foothold in your life that may cause you to one day run screaming from the room trying to escape your circumstances.  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6

3.  Unfulfilled Expectations – we all have them, I call them the “what ifs” in life.  You’re bugged because life just didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.  You’re either constantly looking back, wishing the past had been different, or you are looking forward, hoping the future will be better.  You’re not living in the NOW and therefore not enjoying the blessings of each given day!  “The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong, and you shall be like a  watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail.”  Isaiah 58:11

4.  The Reflection in the Mirror – this is the toughest “bug” to let go of – dissatisfaction with oneself; not liking the person in the mirror.  I am constantly shocked, when working with youth especially, how so many of them feel unworthy, unloved, ugly, and stupid.  Certainly there are those that may be egotistical to a fault too, but the majority of people I know, (young and old) are dealing with bitterness, abandonment, unresolved hurt and conflict, sin and guilt that hampers them from becoming the beautifully created men and women that God intended them to be.  Whenever I find myself being dissatisfied with my reflection in the mirror, I like to read Psalm 139 to remind myself how much God loves me “bugs” and all!  “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:14

Posted in Inspiration & Devotion, Proverbs 16:9 - Journey Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Worst Author Ever!

Posted on January 13, 2017 by Lynn

darkstormynight-696x436While I was busily writing my third and final book of my “Wounded Trilogy” – Love the Wounded.  It was a bit of a struggle to write, not necessarily because I was experiencing “writer’s block”, back in 2011, but the fact that I could not put a concerted amount of time into writing it.  I was enjoying being a new Grandma and spending as much time as I could with my new Grandbaby, Jaxon.  It was a tough year of distractions, and writing.  I would find myself many times staring at a blank page struggling with choosing the right words.

In high school, my biology teacher, Mr. Slater, called me the “only literary biologist I know”.  I tended to use a lot of unnecessary verbiage to write out my scientific observations.  I suppose, according to him, there were only so many ways you could describe a dissected fetal pig.  Anyway, I couldn’t help but laugh when in the middle of my writing doldrums way back in 2011, I read about the winner of the Bulwer-Lytton “Worst Writer ” award.

The  contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to  imaginary novels that takes its name from the Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who began his Paul Clifford with “It was a dark and stormy night.”

The winner in 2011 was, Sue Fondrie, who described herself then as “a full-time teacher of teachers and part-time awful prose writer”.  It was the first time I had heard of this contest and I will admit it was just the catalyst I needed to complete my book and ensure it was completely and properly edited!

At  26 words, Prof. Fondrie’s submission in 2011 was the shortest grand prize winner in Contest history, proving that bad writing need not be prolix, or even very wordy:

Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into  bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.

Too fun.

Since 2011, I still enjoy checking in to see who the winners are each year.  In 2016, the winner was William “Barry” Brockett of Tallahassee, Florida, a 55-year-old building contractor who has specialized in additions, home makeovers, and bathroom/kitchen remodels for about twenty years.  His winning entry makes me guffaw my way through the expository verbiage of unparalleled mediocrity…(how’s that, Mr. Slater?)

Even from the hall, the overpowering stench told me the dingy caramel glow in his office would be from a ten-thousand-cigarette layer of nicotine baked on a naked bulb hanging from a frayed wire in the center of a likely cracked and water-stained ceiling, but I was broke, he was cheap, and I had to find her.

I thought it might be fun to get the word “juices” flowing and have some of my author/writer friends and writer wannabes try their hand at writing an “awful” opening sentence.  Leave a comment with your sentence, and if I get twenty or more participants, I might even make this into a real contest.

Just like the Bulwer-Lytton contest promised to Sue Fondrie in 2011, I may offer “a pittance” to whoever writes the “worst” sentence here on Journey Thoughts!

I leave you with the circumlocution, diffuseness, prolixity, surplusage, verbiage, periphrasis, redundance, tautology, verbosity, pleonasm, redundancy, tediousness, and wordiness needed to win this prestigious contest!

Happy Writing!

Posted in Write On! | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments